Hey there, I hope you're all doing better than you were yesterday and worse than you will tomorrow.
This week, I want to discuss why it's important to say no much more often than we are led to believe.
As I was graduating from university, I landed my first-ever job. I freelanced a bit while studying, but it was mostly the odd web design job or Macromedia Flash animation (yep, I'm that old...).
My first corporate job was with EY in the audit department, doing external financial audits for various domestic and foreign companies. It was a great job, with incredible professional growth, amazing people, and challenging projects with even more challenging deadlines.
Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot there, but I think being a workaholic was the single skill I excelled most at. Such consulting firms rely on fostering a culture where they normalize hard work (and a lot of it) and reward it.
The Good
While the 4 years I spent there sky-rocketed my career, I noticed something peculiar about myself. I love corporate culture and corporate brainwashing. Being a part of a family, working extra hours to achieve the family goals, working weekends, working harder and longer than anyone else... it's all for the greater good.
But it's not. You are a cog in a machine, and nobody cares if you stay or leave, as there are 20 interns ready to take your job at any given moment.
Don't get me wrong, EY is not a bad place to work at all! It's a fantastic place to spend your first 4 to 5 years after university, as you can easily get 15-20 years' worth of experience in those 4-5 years. But do I see it as a long-term career option? I think it really depends on the person.
I am very susceptible to the whole we are a family mumbo jumbo. So, if you ask me, especially between Kool-Aid shots, it's actually an environment to thrive in.
The Bad
And thrive I did. However, there's a darker side to this type of culture and way of working. It's ingrained in you when it's fostered through your first years of professional life. You start feeling bad when you don't work over the weekend. You start feeling bad when you go on vacation, go out with friends, and sleep in on a Saturday. Overall, learning to work all the time leads to much feeling bad. And, before you know it, you burn out.
The Burnout
It was my first burnout, so it took quite a while to notice and realize what was happening.
I ended up quitting my job and taking some time to recover and freelance, which was code for moving back home and spending a lot of time with family and friends.
That's when I realized people don't care if you can afford the time to handle their thing. They care only about their thing getting done. This makes sense for them, but it means we must learn to say no instead of expecting people to think about our capacity.
I learned to do it at my next job, where I spent another 4 years. I had an outstanding work-life balance, and I managed to set concrete boundaries with my boss and co-workers, which was pretty great. But at some point, I had automated 90% of my job, and reading articles and taking Udemy courses all day got really boring. So, I moved to a startup and immediately forgot my newfound ability to say no.
Another Burnout
Fast forward 2 years, and I realize I've been burnt out for the last 6 months. And it sucks, as it reflects poorly on my ability to care for my newborn son and work on the startup I co-founded a while back. I still manage, but it costs me much energy and is not sustainable long-term. I've been trying to manage my time and well-being better and have noticed some of the symptoms subside lately. My productivity is picking up, and I can do more without sacrificing additional time with my family.
I am learning to say no from scratch again, but I believe I'm getting there.
That's the first step (and the most important one): recognizing you are overcommitting and noticing the early signs of stress and burnout.
The rest is much easier to do if you catch those early enough. Just start saying no, as simple as that (but we all know it's fricking hard!).
Why It's Hard to Say No
I think it's important to understand that saying no is hard for everyone. Some people learn to do it early on in their lives, while others need more practice, but in the end, it's much easier for everyone to say yes than it is to say no.
We are social creatures and have an innate need to belong to a group. Saying no is often perceived as something negative, so we often fear that it may lead to rejection or disappointment from others. Most of us want to be liked and accepted, so we often say yes to avoid conflict.
Some people also desire to please others, as they crave the recognition and sense of fulfillment it brings them. Others associate saying no with being unhelpful or selfish, so they feel guilty when they say no, leading them to avoid declining requests.
It is also essential to set clear boundaries with others. Otherwise, we may find it difficult to say no because we have not defined our limits.
Setting boundaries is crucial for knowing when and how to say no effectively.
Every Yes is a No to something else
This is a great concept I want you to think about. I am unsure who said it first, but it's all over the internet. Every time we say yes to something, we effectively say no to something else (you know, with the day being 24 hours and all).
That's such a simple thing, but at the same time, it's mighty once you fully realize and accept it.
There's this notion that saying no will lead to fewer personal and professional growth opportunities and that you will miss out on these opportunities (fear of missing out, a.k.a. FOMO). However, it's the other way around. Saying no to unimportant things frees up your time and mind to focus on more important things that have much more impact on your life.
How to say No
This is very individual for everyone. I would even say it's been very different in different jobs and situations. However, here are some tips on saying no more effectively and politely to maintain healthy relationships and boundaries.
Be clear and direct, and state your inability to accept additional work without ambiguity. Being direct will help you avoid misunderstandings that can strain your relationship more.
Example: "I appreciate the offer, but I won't be able to commit to it due to my existing workload."
Offer a brief explanation (only where appropriate) to help the other person understand your situation. This will reduce the chance of them feeling rejected.
Example: "I have a prior commitment that day, so I can't attend the event."
Express gratitude to show that you appreciate the offer or invitation, even though you are declining it. This will significantly soften the impact of your refusal.
Example: "Thank you for thinking of me, I'm honored. Unfortunately, I won't be able to participate this time."
Be assertive and use your body language to convey confidence and clarity, reinforcing your refusal message.
Example: Maintain eye contact, stand tall, and use a firm but polite tone while saying, "I'm unable to help this time."
At the end of the day, if possible, suggest an alternative. If feasible, offering to help another time shows you're willing to contribute in the future, which can help better maintain the relationship.
Example: "I can't help this weekend, but I can assist you next week. Would that work for you?"
Now, these examples are a bit exaggerated, but you get the point. Mix and match the concepts to create the best reaction for your situation.
I know it is controversial and weird when you first start thinking about saying no as a positive behavior. Sometimes, it even sounds scary. What if they don't want to hang out with me anymore? What if my boss never makes me a part of an exciting project? What if my spouse feels I don't value them?
Trust me, it'll be much better than half-as*ing everything and ending up an emotional wreck.
The sooner you start practicing, the sooner you'll feel comfortable saying no to people respectfully. Doing so helped me reduce stress and improve my relationships and marriage. It allowed me to spend more time with my newborn and significantly improved my mental health. And I'm not even there yet, and I have much more to practice to re-learn how to say no effectively.
I hope you start practicing (if you haven't already) and take back control over your life (a bit dramatic, but still valid).
That's all for this issue. Leave a comment (or reply to this email) to tell me about your journey learning to say no and how it has affected your life and career. I am curious to know how others are practicing and implementing this concept. Or just say no and carry on. 😅
Thank you for making it this far! As always, extra brownie points for those who share this newsletter with at least 1 friend (your grandma and grandpa also count).
I think about every new subscriber as someone who may find something valuable within my writing. That's why sharing this newsletter is the best way to show your support and bring a smile to my face.
Till next week,
D.